Fodder for Thought · Uncategorized

Decisions, or lack thereof. Read: Indecision

On Friday morning I woke up, and robotically checked my phone.

My routine first thoughts (or lack thereof) in the morning:

Time: is it before 10am? Yes. Phew –  I freak out if I wake up after 10am. If I wake after 10, I’ve wasted the day…  As if I had things to do that MUST get done before 10.  As if I had anything that really needed to get done on Friday…

My head foggy from the effects of Norco. My mouth still sore from wisdom teeth (or lack thereof)

I continue to look at my phone. About 7 new e-mails – the usual spam culprits – Amazon, Ebay, Lucky jeans, and other listserves. As if I had an e-mail from someone important that needed Immediate attention… as if it would be sent while I was sleeping when most of my world is sleeping too. 

To wake before 10. To check e-mails compulsively.

Is it not all a way to temper my selfish desires? to do things just to have things to do so I appease my need to have purpose? to create a false sense of urgency in my communication with the world so I feel needed by others? Oh the fabrication of it all!

 

The irony is that on this Friday of all days that I felt I had nothing to do and no actions to take I received an e-mail that was Very Important and needed Immediate attention. Yes, after 9 months of waiting, I received my official invitation to serve with Peace Corps. I was offered a position in the Ukraine to do Youth Development (YD) beginning in March 2013. YD involves anything from extracurricular programs for kids, ESL, mentor programs, professional development, etc. 

Shock struck me. I did not expect to receive that e-mail or specific offer. I cannot say I felt positively or negatively – no reaction was elicited except utter shock. 

And then the shock dissipated into my current state that I find myself in. This state I dread more than anything else in the world. Yes, it is the emptiness of indecision.

To be suspended. In Time – in my mind – in space – in between a rock an a hard place, if you will. Or between a patch of green grass, and some other green grass, if you’re an optimist. 

The Ukraine? Cold, and I am Always cold, even in California. 

2-years? So long! But so short, in the grand scheme of things. But right now 2 years seems forever. 

Youth development? Cool mission, love kids… but am I naive enough to think I will make a huge everlasting impact? No. 

Leaving friends and family behind? I love them dearly and probably enjoy their company and support even more than they do mine… but perhaps I can find beauty in isolation. And this hope compels my desire to be and feel isolated.

Peace Corps? Mixed reviews on the quality of the program… 

Adventure? It beckons to me. Yet is this the avenue I want to adventure on? 

 

So here I am.

Stuck in the middle

 

It would be very Un-Jacquie to not go. 

But I haven’t been feeling myself lately…

 

I have until Friday to decide.

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